The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Andy Richardson Andy Richardson

Description: Smoking jacket-wearing firer of tampons.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Welsh, hilarious, topical, wealthy, untruthful.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Using the potty all by myself.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
My short attention span 'cos I rarely finish an...

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
Can't remember.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
Ran over a fox on the way home from Malarkey's. Not sure if it's actually illegal as was clearly an accident, but I did feel guilty.

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
Having worked in the industry I believe in tipping quality not quantity, a shiny sixpence beats a crumpled tenner.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
Howard Marks, Groucho Marx, Karl Marx, two more Marks that I haven't thought of yet. All the same surname because structure is very important at these events.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who?
Jon Pertwee will always be the Daddy Who, the next one should be Harold Shipman.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Nightingales - Simply the best sitcom ever written but only about ten people ever saw it. I also love Trapdoor because there isn't enough plasticine on telly.

10. What's the most stupid heckle you've had and how did you respond?
Don't really get heckled much, but the best heckle I've heard was last night in Hull when someone shouted at James Cook, "You're very good." A different class of heckler in Hull.

11. What do you wear in bed?
The sheets and pillow cases eventually. Oh, sorry, I thought you meant wear.

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
Fluvial Geomorphologist.

13. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
I wanted to be a Fluvial Geomorphologist.

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
I've never hit anyone so probably get into a fight, knowing what's the worst that could happen? I'd get killed - oh no.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
Back to the mid 1930's and tell everyone, "Here, that Hitler, you want to watch him."

16. What do you have for breakfast?
In the words of Otis Reading, Cigarettes and Coffee.

17. What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?
There is no answer, life is one long episode of Beadle's About and on your death bed they take you into a futuristic room where everyone you've ever met points at you and goes "AAAAAhhhhh", then they show your best bits including all those things you did in private that you thought no-one knew about.

18. What's the best sweet ever invented?
Fudge; so soft, so sweet, so tasty.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
The Dance music scene and all it's bastard children (R&B, hiphop, Garage, Jungle, Car Boot etc.)

20. Astonish us with a fact.
Astronauts piss in a hoover, don't let them into your house.