The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Caroline Jones Caroline Jones

Description: Disillusioned with Eccles.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Attitude problem, subversive, manic, unusual.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Some child-related thing I daresay, first sentence probably. His not mine.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
Talking too much.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
I imagine it involved herbs, rizla and copious amounts of Ben and Jerry's Half baked.

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
If I could afford to eat out I'm sure I would.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
Keith Moon - for light entertainment.
Alex James (Blur's bassist) for eye candy.
Che Guevara - Yes I am a little obsessed.
Jeremy Paxman - Coz I have a big crush on him.
Armistead Maupin - Coz I love his books. Oh no, I've just gone and made a list of men I fancy and thrown a token gay guy in for luck, ah well, I'll not spend too long pouring over the recipe books then.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who?
Peter Davidson because he used to do Once Upon a Time.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Twin Peaks because it was the best show ever, it had it all, weirdness, attractive people, more weirdness, plot, a bit more weirdness. Father Ted because it was just so funny. And a little weird. I like weird.

10. What’s the most stupid heckle you’ve had and how did you respond?
"I wish I had a 12 inch cock."
"So does your girlfriend."

11. What do you wear in bed?
In winter 16 thermal vests, long johns, pyjamas and hiking socks, in summer Chanel no 5.

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?

13. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
If I tell you that it could be the end of civilisation as we know it.

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Get very hysterical I should imagine.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
To the French revolution so I could sing hits from Les Miserable and avoid the guillotine.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
Urgh, I hate breakfast and avoid it if at all possible.

17. What’s the answer to life, the universe and everything?
If I knew that do you think I'd be sitting in my pyjamas at 9 o'clock on a Thursday morning filling in this stuff while my son destroys my living room? I'll share the secret of happiness with you though, it's thus: Anything could happen in the next half hour.

18. What’s the best sweet ever invented?
Creme Eggs, no, anything with white chocolate in it, in fact, anything involving sugar and no raisins is fine, if you want to buy me anything.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
I would have said Jonathan King but the law kind of beat me to it so I'll go for George 'Dubya' Bush instead.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
Mince pies are illegal.