The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Geoff Taylor Geoff Taylor

Description: Cheeky chipmunk. The comedy world's Don Estelle.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Far too boring for words

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Watching my kid being born. Yeah, go on; puke with the saccharine sweetness of it all if you must.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
Nasal cavity excavation.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
Depends. I can sometimes be quite giddy, but mostly I get morose and sit in the corner in black despair at how stupid people are.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
80 on the motorway. Dull but true. Told you I was boring.

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
About £3, but only if Iíve had a good time.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
Jesus, Mohammed, Moses, Buddha and the Dalai Lama. With pork and beef on the menu. I just want to see if theyíd argue enough to start a fight.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who?
Tom Baker. No question. And I reckon Alan Rickman would be brilliant as the next one.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Star Trek DS9. 'Coz itís good. Mark Thomas Comedy Product. Coz itís good. Anything with Bill Bailey in it. Coz he is just soooooo funny.

10. Whatís the most stupid heckle youíve had and how did you respond?
Female Heckler: "Youíre too short. You need a box."
Me: "Thanks. Is yours available?"

11. What do you wear in bed?
Whatever I can find lying around the bedroom. T-shirt, boxers, pyjamas, my sonís hamster... whatever.

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
Bigger. I was the weedy swot. I wanted to be bigger than Lee Dickinson in my class, just so I could batter him.

13. Whatís the biggest lie youíve ever told?
I love you too.

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Masturbate. (Last chance, you know.) After that, Iíd make the biggest bacon sandwich ever. Iíd put on a couple of fried eggs too, so I could dribble yolk all down my shirt and not give a toss about the laundry afterwards.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
Iíd go forward to the end of the human race, just to see how far away it is and how clever we actually get.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
Full English whenever possible. Cholesterol be buggered

17. Whatís the answer to life, the universe and everything?
You live, you eat, you sleep, you shag, you breed, you die. Make the most of it.

18. Whatís the best sweet ever invented?
Space Dust. I wish I could find some again. Exploding on your tongue and all that. Mmmm... Space Dust...

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Anyone associated with the Daily Mail, including its readership.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
The reflective bit of a road cone is worth 4 times more than the rest of the cone.