The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Ian Fox Ian Fox

Description: Well-heeled comedy addict.

1. Describe yourself in six words.
Quiet man, bit of a loner.

2. What is your most annoying habit?
Starting sentences and never finishing them. My family and the Prison Service get really annoyed by that one.

3. What are you like when you are drunk?

4. What was the last illegal thing you did?
Me, a German doctor, a bottle of Rohypnol and some homeless guy's kidney.

5. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
I think knowledge is generally more valuable than money so I leave useful bits of information instead such as:- donít trust me, donít let the health inspector catch you doing that, and if youíre ever chased by a bear run downhill.

6. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
Lawrence Block (author of over a hundred novels including, Eight Million Ways to Die, Hit List, Sins of the Fathers) - I like most of his books and Iíd just like to ask him about writing in general. Heís also a member of the Centenary Club, an exclusive travel club which only admits members who have visited 100 different countries. So that would be quite a lot to talk about.

Turner (painter) - Purely so as I could ask him what he thinks about Tracey Thingy's bed, the empty room and all the other crap that wins the Turner prize.

Krusty the Clown - Simply the world's greatest entertainer.

Either OJ or Lord Lucan - Just so as I could have a conversation along the lines of, "Go on you did didnít you, didnít you, you can tell me I wonít tell anyone, you did didnít you?" or "Well, go on then, where have you been?"

Michael Palin - Seen him on TV quite a lot and seems like a nice man. Iím sure heíd be a very good guest. Traveller as well.

And Iíd invite Bin Laden as well but I doubt heíd be outwitted by such an obvious rouse.

7. Who was your favourite Dr Who? And who would you cast as the next one?
Never really watched Doctor Who to be honest, but I seem to remember an episode called the five doctors which had all of them in it. I thought that was quite good but I was about eight at the time. For the next one I'd cast me, I understand it pays very well. And If I wasn't available, which let's face it I am going to be, Jerry Sadowitz. "Are you the Doctor?" "Fuck off!"

8. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Anything that takes a member of the public and makes them look a right twat, or even funnier still when they just get really patronised or even better still when they find someone who is very clearly mentally disturbed and effectively poke them with a stick to get the little monkey to dance. You just can't beat shows like that.

9. Whatís the most stupid heckle youíve had and how did you respond?
Most of the heckles Iíve had havenít even been legible. At the Gong Show some really pissed woman shouted "Whatís you problem?", to which I wittily replied, "Let me get this straight, youíre sitting there absolutely sky high, shouting out at the acts, and you want to know my problem is?"

10. What do you wear in bed?
Pyjamas, dribble, and the general stench of failure if Iím on my own.

11. When you were a child what did you want to be?
Not a clue, much like now, which has always been my problem really.

12. Whatís the biggest lie youíve ever told?
Iím terribly sorry itís never happened before. (2 counts.)

13. If you knew the world would end in ten minutes what would you do?
Much the same as everyone else a combination of hysteria and soiling myself.

14. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
Any comedy festival in 2005, preferably Montreal. Iíd see what fantastic new material the likes of Steven Wright, Rich Hall, Stewart Francis, Patrice OíNeal, Craig Campbell, Ian Cognito were all doing, steal it and come back to now and start doing it, and if I had the time Iíd find a couple of patents to steal and whichever novel was selling in Harry Potter proportions.

15. What do you have for breakfast?
One milligram of adrenaline, half milligram of Atropine and 400 joules from a defibrillator.

16. Whatís the answer to life, the universe and everything?
A nice comfy chair.

17. Whatís the best sweet ever invented?
Coffee ice cream. (Was thinking about saying anything eaten from in between a warm and inviting pair of breasts but my mum might read this.)

18. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Maspeth P. Jones.

19. Astonish us with a fact.
Just the one? Do you have any idea of the amount of useless information I carry around with me everyday? Itís going to have be at least two and youíd better hope I donít come across any other fascinating facts whilst Iím writing this otherwise weíre going to be here all day.

Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys was deaf in his left ear. This is why all Beach Boys albums are only available in Mono.

To help stop any of the dancers falling over during filming of the Can Can sequence in the film Moulin Rouge - I couldnít be arsed seeing it either - the production designer mopped the floor twice a day with coke.