The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

James Cook James Cook

Description: Brummie Frodo Baggins.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
I'm shit at counting.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
On completion of 'The Bonfire Cake', 1997.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
The one with the musical hood got me thrown out of the monastery. Also, I tend to make terrible jokes at inappropriate times.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
An idiot.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
I coveted my neighbours oxen.

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
Yes, unless the service is really bad. About 15%.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
The living ones. They generally smell better.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who and who would you cast as the next one?
Tom Baker. As if you had to ask.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
The Simpsons - consistently the funniest show on TV.

10. What's the most stupid heckle you've had and how did you respond?
I don't remember the stupid ones. My favourite one (to me) was, "You've spilt Aquafresh on your shirt!" (You had to be there.) At The Glee, when Simon Munnery came on with a bucket on his head, someone shouted, "You look a bit pale!"

11. What do you wear in bed?
Marks and Spencers T-shirt and boxers pyjama set (blue).

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
A stand-up comedian.

13. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
That Michael Bolton's real name is Peter Gideon.

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Laugh my ruddy head off.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
Dallas, November 1963. It's been bugging me for a while.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
People like you.

17. What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?
The futility of existence should be celebrated.

18. What's the best sweet ever invented?

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
I'm not into censorship, man.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
The banana is not a fruit, it's a herb.