The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Jason Manford Jason Manford

Description: Up and coming youngster, winner of City Life Comedian of the Year 2000, cherubic cheeky chappie. 12 years old.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Friendly, Talkative, Cheeky, Young, Upstart.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Getting an encore at the Dancehouse for the City Life competition.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
On stage I scratch my nose at least four times a minute.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
I don’t drink, sorry.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
I did my last gig at Scruffy Murphy’s when I was only 17.

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
Yes, 10% unless it’s MacDonald's.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
TOM JONES - He’s the man.
BOB MONKHOUSE - Funniest man alive.
PETER KAY - 2nd funniest man alive.
ANDY KAUFMAN - Just mad.
DAVID BECKHAM - Someone to take the piss out of.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who and who would you cast as the next one?
Tom Baker. Bob Carolgees.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Knight Rider (Kitt was cool), The A Team (U ask Y?). I love Family Fortunes (Q: Name a dangerous race, A: The Arabs, and many more).

10. What’s the most stupid heckle you’ve had and how did you respond?
Heckle: Where’s your pubic hair?
Answer: In your wife’s teeth sir.

11. What do you wear in bed?

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
A dog.

13. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
Of course I can do a 40 minute set.

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Phone Peter Kay and made sure I died laughing.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
Back to when Mick Hucknell did his first gig - I’d nick his amp and mike.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
Shredded Wheat (3 with no salt).

17. What’s the answer to life, the universe and everything?
(No answer - well, he’s only young.)

18. What’s the best sweet ever invented?
The purple one in Roses.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Joe Pasquale and Darren Day.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
On a good night there are 752 people in Scruffy Murphy’s. Unless you work for Health and Safety - then it’s 150.