The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Jo Dakin Jo Dakin

Description: Scary!

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Insane, miserable, dark, frustrated, man.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
When my father won the 'Miss Salford City' beauty contest despite being so hairy.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
Removing people's organs while they're still alive.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
Insane, miserable, dark, frustrated, WOMAN.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
I shot someone in the face (does that count?)

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
Usually 10% but admittedly 9.8% on occasion.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
Brian from an office I once worked in because he's just so hilarious, honestly I nearly turned off my chainsaw once, I was laughing so hard!

Victoria Wood - to convince her I could be a really witty character (perhaps with some kind of twitch) in her next series of Dinnerladies.

Caroline Aherne - to convince her I could be a really witty character (perhaps with some kind of stain on my jumper) in her next series of The Royle Family.

Elvis (pre-fat) - to entertain and drool over.

My local butcher - he's been so good to me over the years and never once turned me in to the authorities.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who and who would you cast as the next one?
John Pertwee. Perhaps the next one should be that little man who was on Coronation Street (you know the one with the hilarious spectacles) who now advertises windows.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, ER and, of course, Question Time (Buffy and ER to keep up with what's going on in the country and Question Time for the sheer frivolity).

10. What's the most stupid heckle you've had and how did you respond?
A man shouted, "She's so weird." I was too choked up to respond, it's the nicest thing anyobdy has ever said to me.

11. What do you wear in bed?

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
A long distance lorry driver and then Vera from Coronation Street.

13. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
When I was 9 I accidentally killed a horse and then denied all knowledge of it. That wasn't the worst lie I've ever told but if I did say what it was I would have to tell you why otherwise you would think I was evil and it would just take forever and ever and ever and...

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Get all my family together for a final game of Twister.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
Back to last night in the Trafford Centre, it was nice.

16. What do you have for breakfast?

17. What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Go for your dreams no matter how mad they are; concentrate on what makes you happy.

18. What's the best sweet ever invented?
Chocolate goats.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?

20. Astonish us with a fact.
Spoons can be bent by other means, not just the power of Uri Geller's mind.