The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Joel Sanders Joel Sanders

Description: Jolly comic with a winning style. Gigs a lot in America, thoroughly nice chap. 32 years old.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Overweight But Wonít Diet/Excercise.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Overtaking a BMW in my Nissan Micra.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
Staying in the middle lane of motorways.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
Overtaking a BMW in my Nissan Micra (it was a private road).

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
Sometimes I fall right onto the floor.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
The BMW driver so I could gloat.
Delia Smith as Iíve just bought her cooking books and Iíd like her reaction to my interpretation of her work.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who and who would you cast as the next one?
Tom Baker. Frosty The Snowman so the scarf could be justified.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Judge Judy. Eastenders. Pipkins. Simpsons. Mary, Mungo and Midge.

10. Whatís the most stupid heckle youíve had and how did you respond?
Heckle: When are you going to finish? (this was from a bride on her wedding night, still wearing dress and veil)
Answer: I asked her why she had come to a comedy night on her wedding night . She said it was "preparation for later". I said, "Does that mean if Iím not funny he wonít get a stiffy, Ďcoz if thatís the case Iíll blow him myself."

11. What do you wear in bed?
(Joel left this curiously blank - what does he have to hide?) A gimp suit, I'll bet - Spider.

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
Hotel manager, because I liked lifts (!)

13. Whatís the biggest lie youíve ever told?
That I overtook a BMW in my Nissan Micra.

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Write some material about the apocalypse for my opening night in the afterlife.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
I would go to Liverpool in the 1960ís and accuse The Beatles of ripping off Oasis.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
A can of Dunnís River Nourishment (Vanilla or Cherry).

17. Whatís the answer to life, the universe and everything?
41 (Douglas Adams was very close).

18. Whatís the best sweet ever invented?
Galaxy Hazelnut.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Anyone who nicks my material.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
I saw Lou Reed at The Albert Hall and he only played one Velvet Underground track. He was excellent nonetheless.