The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Lou Saffire Lou Saffire

Description: Jovial rocker dude.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
The Dark Lord of Cuddlyness.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
My first proper gig (it got me graduated from uni).

3. What is your most annoying habit?
Toad licking.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
Whiskey: happy.
Beer: chaotic.
Aftershock: HORNY!
Vodka: pissed off.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
Rolled a joint (ooh, aren't I naughty?)

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
Only if the waitress has worked really hard to give me the impression she wants to sleep with me.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
Bill Hicks - 'cos for once I could shut up an just listen.
Clive Barker - 'cos he's a dark genius who never fails to inspire (he can also make the pasta).
Al Pacino - top actor (probably do a mean sauce for the pasta as well).
Cheech and Chong - I know it's two guys but it wouldn't be the same without both. They can roll the after dinner treats (they're going nowhere near my kitchen).
Bertolt Brecht - I'd like to see him and Bill have a chat (he can butter the bread).
The vampire Lestat - Okay, he's technically neither alive or dead (or real) but if I could he'd be there. All that experience, not to mention his sense of humour (I think he can cook for himself).

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who and who would you cast as the next one?
William Hartnel.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
These days it's Family Guy and Futurama, 'cos they're funny as hell, dammit.

10. What's the most stupid heckle you've had and how did you respond?
Heckle: "Shut the fuck up!"
Response: "When I want to hear from an asshole I'll fart."

11. What do you wear in bed?
A quilt.

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
An actor / singer / writer / terminator / cenobite / vampire, and so on and so on...

13. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
"No, darlin', all we did was talk."

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Start the world's largest ten minite orgy, we can all go out with a bang.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
The Dark Ages, all the swords and sorcery, beautiful period.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
Ready Brek / cheese on toast / half pound of lard.

17. What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Hmm, tough one. The meaning is different for each of us which is probably why we can't come to a consensus. Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat, sooner or later it gets pissed off.

18. What's the best sweet ever invented?
Milky Bar.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Fuckin' hell, you don't have enough room. For now, everyone connected to Pop Idols, Pop Stars, pop the pop, poppy pop top, poppdy pop de pop de pop pop, etc.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
I've done ballet, and I was alright at it too.