The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Mark Rough Mark Rough

Description: Northern loveable rogue.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Handsome, kind, funny, egotistical and dishonest.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Only three weeks ago I headlined a theatre in Staffordshire and got a capacity crowd. Getting my first ever encore at Malarkey's almost four years ago in my fourth ever gig.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
Not listening to other people, felching cows.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
Usually very funny as I'm normally on stage at the time.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
Don't you read the papers? Ask Moorhouse, he'll be only too pleased to tell you.

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
No, but I make a point of reading the big issue if Geoff Taylor has bought it.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests?
Bob Monkhouse, Lee Hurst, Peter Kay, Fagin, Bobby Thompson.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who?
Fuck off, I don't watch poncey sci-fi shite... for students and nonces, that stuff.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Doctor Who as I feel it's a true reflection of the British class system and the social climate of the year 2020.

10. What's the most stupid heckle you've had and how did you respond?
I had a blind guy who talked all the way through my act and as I was being kind and patronising toward him I didn't give him a hard time he took out his glass eye to let me know he liked me. Smug Roberts once shouted, "Gerrof man, you're a thieving shite excuse for a comic!" in a rare example of him stringing a sentence together.

11. What do you wear in bed?
Channel 5.

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
A boy.

13. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
You're asking me that?!

14. If you knew the world would end in ten minutes what would you do?
Nick Hadoke's heckle put downs and storm a gig with them, then shag a monkey... always wanted to do that.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
To that wonderful night when I headlined Malarkey's for the last time and I would forever remember how lovely the crowd were.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
Pease Pudding.

17. What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Never trust a Geordie.

18. What's the best sweet ever invented?
Pink Licorice Allsorts.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Mick Artistic.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
I retired from the 'Alt' circuit two years ago and have done over 1000 gigs in four years on the straight circuit.