The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Mike Landers Mike Landers

Description: Not as scary, nerdy or ill as I look.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Long-haired, opinionated, sarcastic geek.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Take your pick from seeing my girlfriend pick up her Masters degree from Uni, Manchester Storm winning the Ice Hockey Superleague or Burnley winning the Div 2 Playoff Final at Wembley.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
Suddenly scribbling bits of programs on pieces of paper, whilst yelling "Hold on, I've figured out a way to re-object and parameterise that code in less than 20 lines." Goes down well at funerals and dinner parties, I can tell you.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
Very, very quiet. People keep thinking I'm about to cry. Bastards. Sometimes I end up crying about it.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
After reading Caroline's interview, I went out and bought some mince pies. It was tough, but I see it as doing my bit to overthrow the system.

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
Yes. Depends on the food and service.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead actor) - a funny man with a flair for cult TV and movies.
John Carpenter (film director) - To ask him for a part in his next "Escape From..." movie.
Danny Baker - I know he can be an annoying arse, but on a good day, he is a very funny bloke.
Terry Pratchett - a writer with a gift for taking serious subjects apart and very gently staking them through the heart.
Alyson Hannigan - No one does cute geek as well as Alyson Hannigan. And given the ages of the other guests, I reckon I'm on a definite shag with that one.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who?
The McGann one that was in the movie. He finally nailed a stake into the heart of the stagnant, rotting corpse hanging around like the stench of stale urine that was Dr Fucking Who. It had Sylvester McCoy in it for fuck's sake. And Roy Castle. And Bonnie Langford.

Next one? If it *still* refuses to die, casting William Shatner would really piss the fanboys off.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Parker Lewis Can't Lose - Buffy without the vampires but on very strong drugs and doing post-modern irony well before Scream came along.
The Adventures of Brisco County Jr, which proved that Bruce Campbell is a) God and b) destined never to become the star he deserves to be.
Jerry Sadowitz' The Pallbearer's Review.
The Mary Whitehouse Experience.

10. What's the most stupid heckle you've had and how did you respond?
Them: "Get yer hair cut, yer fucking hippy."
Me: "Thanks a lot, mum."

11. What do you wear in bed?
A very long Boston Celtics training shirt. Stolen from the Celtics' training facility, it was one of the players and goes down to my knees.

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
A sports commentator.

13. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
"I don't care."

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Have Alyson Hannigan and Philippa Forrester sent to my quarters.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
May 30th, 1972. Boston Garden. Boston Bruins win the Stanley Cup.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
Fuckwits. Lightly flamed.

17. What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Buckaroo Banzai said it best: "Wherever you go, there you are."

18. What's the best sweet ever invented?
Caffeinated Penguin mints. Makes Red Bull look like Valium.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Anyone who appears in Hello or OK magazine. And anyone who works for Hello or OK magazine. Sod it, include anyone who reads Hello or OK magazine.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
Tex Avery, the cartoon animator responsible for Droopy, Bugs Bunny and others was blinded in one eye by a paperclip fired at him by another animator.