The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Neil Smith Neil Smith

Description: Thin comic with a unique way with words.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Anorexic brother of Marlon Dingle.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Possibly my first ever stand-up gig.

3. What is your most annoying habit?

4. What are you like when you are drunk?

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
I've got more MP3s on my hard drive than Jordan's had cocks.

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
10% to 15%, depending on how much the total comes to.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
Stephen Fry - A genius with a true gift for language usage.

Hugh Laurie - Well, if Stephen's here it makes sense to invite Hugh.

Luke Haines - A welcome kick up the arse for the staid and sanitised music industry. Called for a boycott of all music for a week in the week his new album was launched. Genius.

Arthur Bostrom - And I'd make him wear his Gendarme's outfit and talk like Officer Crabtree.

Marie Du Santiago - Mmm... *rubs thighs* Can't believe Kenickie split up.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who?
Tom Baker. In a perfect world the next one would be Toby, but it isn't, so it'll have to be Stephen Fry.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Bottom - Toilet humour at its best. Eddie is my hero.

Jeeves and Wooster - Four series of magic. Largely due to Fry & Laurie. Speaking of which...

A Bit of Fry & Laurie - The best sketch show the world has ever seen. Bar none. Utter brilliance. You'll often catch myself and Richard Swan sat in the Comedy Balloon quoting from it, much to everyone else's confusion.

Friday/Saturday Night Armistice - Armando Iannucci is a superb writer. Another one with a superb way with words.

10. What's the most stupid heckle you've had and how did you respond?
In the 45 or so gigs I've done so far I don't think I've actually been properly heckled as such. Someone did shout something in Huddersfield so I resorted to the old favourite, "And... sleep." line. A bit cheap but I was new then.

11. What do you wear in bed?

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
An artist. Sadly it turned out to be of the 'piss' variety.

13. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
"Yes, I did manage to finish Tarka The Otter." [To my terrifying form teacher in junior school.]

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Break out the Stella and crash headlong into a lager frenzy.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
I'd go back and make sure pulicity-slag V*ct*ria B*ckh*m had never been born. Or possibly last Saturday and win the Lottery.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
It used to be a short run to the bus stop but I'm too old and unfit for that now. These days it's a cigarette.

17. What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Stella Artois.

18. What's the best sweet ever invented?
Texan Bars.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Oh, the agony of choice. Any F-list celeb from any tedious reality TV show. Mariah Carey. Jim Davidson. Gary Neville. The list goes on...

20. Astonish us with a fact.
The collective noun for baboons is a 'flange'.