The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Peter Kay Peter Kay

Description: You need one? Perrier nominee, City Life Comedian of the Year, Big Breakfast presenter, oh, and an award winning series of his own.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Homely, Motherly, Cancerian, Rotund and Happy.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Either my first Holy Communion or my first live video in Blackpool.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
Picking my nose.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
I don't drink.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
I stole a packet of Chewits.

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
About a pound.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
JULIE WALTERS - very funny
STANLEY KAY - Granddad
SUSAN - wife to be

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who and who would you cast as the next one?
Tom Baker. Harold Shipman.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Porridge - it's never dated.

10. What's the most stupid heckle you've had and how did you respond?
Heckle: Get off
Answer: No (bit shit, but it's hard to remember - I'm on in 5 minutes and I'm shitting it).

11. What do you wear in bed?

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
A bus driver.

13. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
That I was gay.

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Play Two Tribes and breathe in the air.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
1960's Bolton or 1970's Bolton.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
Nothing much, though I should.

17. What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?
A healthy colon.

18. What's the best sweet ever invented?
Those new biscuit Wispas.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Geri Halliwell.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
I'm thinking... I'll let you know... they're calling my name - I'm on! This is me!