The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Rich Davenport Rich Davenport

Description: Bolton's very own Jimmy Saville.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Big Daft Comedian And Rocker.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Why, that would be my first stand-up appearance, back in 1975 at the age of three, somewhere on the sea front in exotic Morecambe. It was some kind of talent contest, and I won a stick of rock and a keyring with a picture of a squirrel on it. Even at so tender an age, I knew that if I stuck with this comedy thing, there was a chance that people would give me more things with pictures of squirrels on them. And indeed they did!

3. What is your most annoying habit?
tYping STuPiDly.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
I don't drink anymore - recovering from M.E. As a result, alcohol makes me rather more unconscious than is good for me.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
I think the going rate is about 15%, innit? However, if funds are short, I always offer a verbal tip as opposed to a financial one, e.g., "Why not try to keep your thumb out of my starter next time you serve me?"

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?


Les Dawson - He could introduce all the guests to each other in classic Blankety-blank style.
Ringo Starr - Always comes across as a lovely feller. Besides which, we could all sing a rousing chorus of Octopus's Garden after we've eaten.
Homer Simpson - Wit, raconteur, gourmet, someone me and the rest of the guests could learn from.
Jimi Hendrix - Would grill him for a few tips on guitar playing.
Bill Bixby - aka Dr. David Banner from The Incredible Hulk. Came across as a really interesting guy in interviews, acted with Elvis, was in loads of popular TV series and was an accomplished amateur magician - a few card tricks after dinner would round off the evening nicely.


The Monty Python team - that would be some shindig, I tells ya!

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who and who would you cast as the next one?
Probably Tom Baker, although I thought Paul McGann did a good job, and Peter Davidson wasn't half bad either.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
Monty Python's Flying Circus - a work of genius.
Police Squad - Not keen on the Naked Gun movies, but this was amazing deadpan surreal humour. Leslie Nielsen rocks!
The Incredible Hulk - Really interesting storylines and characters. Oh, and huge green monster wrecking stuff a lot.

10. What's the most stupid heckle you've had and how did you respond?
Heckle: "You cain't play that there banjo worth spit, cousin Elmer."
Response: "Quit yer hollerin', cousin Zeke! I ain't gonna let you ruin another hoe-down with yer crazy shennanigans!"
That did the trick.

11. What do you wear in bed?
Jodphurs, string vest, balaclava.

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
Musician. Also went through phases of wanting to be the Six Million Dollar Man and Spiderman. Still do.

13. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
That would be telling.

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
The Hokey Cokey.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
London, 1966 to watch Jimi Hendrix play a club gig. Grooovy!

16. What do you have for breakfast?
Rice Krispies.

17. What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?

18. What's the best sweet ever invented?
It's a toss-up between Cadbury's Caramel and Snowflakes. Either way, Cadbury's are onto a winner.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
It's more a case of something than someone. I would ban a psychedelic record I made in the late Sixties, several years before I was born. It's called I'm Fixin' To Grow Me A Beard, and is credited to Tristan Shout and the Purple Tripe Collective.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
Janice Long is Keith Chegwin's sister! Or if you prefer...

As well as comedy, I'm a guitarist and singist. Loud but tuneful rock stuff, that'll put hairs on yer chest. Check out my website for free MP3 evidence. (If it's not there yet, please check back, it's coming soon, honest!)