The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Richard Batsford Richard Batsford

Description: Sick little monkey with a twisted sense of humour.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Tall, slim, sarcastic, well hung.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Sad to say, it could easily be being asked to fill out one of these questionnaires - surely that's when you know you've made it big.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
Saying anything funny that enters my head now matter how inappropriate or offensive. Being right and getting the last word in. Shit that's three, fuck.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
Even lovelier than when I'm sober.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
The only thing illegal thing I do is take drugs, unless you count the occasional bit of light shoplifting from motorway service stations to alleviate the boredom of long trips home from gigs.

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
Yes, not very much 'cos I've been broke since birth.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
Brian, Carl & Dennis Wilson, Mike Love and Al Jardine, because they're the Beach Boys.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who?
Tom Baker of course. Me as the next one - admittedly I'd be crap but that'd be one boyhood dream realised.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
The episode of South Park where they say "shit" 162 times, 'cos swearing is fun, Frasier, Simpsons and Porridge for making me laugh. Star Trek (oh, the shame).

10. What’s the most stupid heckle you’ve had and how did you respond?
When a very drunk man tried to sing along to my version of Angels, apparently unaware that I'd attempted to change the words for comic effect and wasn't simply leading a singalong... I responded by singing my version louder than his, which was easy enough since I have a loud voice and a microphone.

11. What do you wear in bed?
An Australian.

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?

13. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
I never tell lies. (Obviously that's a lie.)

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Fast forward to question 15 and time travel backwards quickly.

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
To Hawthorne California in the 50's in the hope of befriending Brian Wilson and becoming a Beach Boy.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
If I'm on my own, then either crunchy nut cornflakes or tea and a cigarrette depending how early I get up, but if my girlfriend's around she sometimes cooks me a post blow job omelette.

17. What’s the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Do as you would be done by, it's as simple as that.

18. What’s the best sweet ever invented?
I'd say the chewing gum that changes flavour as you chew until you've had a whole meal, but I suspect that wasn't actually real.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Bill Gates - it's obscene to be that rich when so much of the world is so poor.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
I'm writing this illuminated only by a spotlight shining orange light on a revolving glitter ball.