The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Stewart Spaull Stewart Spaull

Description: Young John Shuttleworth.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Slightly greying, bespectacled, grinning gobshite.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Playing at the best comedy club in the north for my debut gig.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
Defecating with the force of the engine in "Thrust II".

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
Rampant but incapable.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?
Speeding in a car without insurance. Well, the dozy twat at the car rental firm let me drive off without signing the bloody forms...

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
If I can afford to, and whatever I can afford to.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
Jimi Hendrix, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Jack Bruce, and Carlos Santana. It would be one hell of a jam session and a very balanced gathering, in that three of us would be alive and three dead.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who?
Viz's excellent "Dr. Poo - travelling through space and time trying to find somewhere to have a big shit" was my absolute favourite, and I'd cast Steve Coogan as the next one because, (a) he's a comic genius and (b) he's got the right hairstyle.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
I'm Alan Partridge (I find cringeworthy embarrassment hilarious), Mike Leigh's Abigail's Party (ditto) and Nuts in May (yet again), and The Sweeney because I love Seventies Ford Granadas.

10. What’s the most stupid heckle you’ve had and how did you respond?
"Ooh, Mr Smooth!"
My response: "Ooh, it's Compliment City out there!"

11. What do you wear in bed?
Fuck all.

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
A gynaecologist. Really.

13. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
That I'm incapable when drunk. I'm perfectly capable. Honest.

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?
Wear a sandwich board stating: "The world will end in ten minutes".

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
Berkeley Community Theater (sic), Berkeley, California, 30th May 1970, to see Hendrix's best ever concert.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
Toast and a mug of Lady Grey.

17. What’s the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Ask me when I'm older.

18. What’s the best sweet ever invented?
Apricot flapjack.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Ritchie Neville, formerly of Five. Why? Don't get me started.

20. Astonish us with a fact.
Cream played their debut gig in Manchester, at the Twisted Wheel.