The XS Malarkey Questionnaire - Getting straight to the heart of the comics in a way the Look-In Fact File only dreamed about...

Vic McGlynn Vic McGlynn

Description: Self-confessed gobby bint.

1. Describe yourself in five words.
Has thighs that can kill.

2. What has been your proudest moment?
Coming last by several laps in the 1500m at school.

3. What is your most annoying habit?
Spontaneous hyperactivity induced by copious amounts of Kia Ora.

4. What are you like when you are drunk?
Quite possibly, a dick.

5. What was the last illegal thing you did?

6. Do you tip in restaurants, and if so, how much?
If the service is good the standard 15%, if it's shit, then they get a curse upon their first born.

7. Who (living or dead) would be your five ideal dinner guests and why?
Eddie Izzard - So I could serenade him with Aha's Take On Me.
Liza Tarbuck - So we could giggle in a girly fashion about who's going to cop off with Eddie.
Jesus - Bet he wouldn't friggin' turn up.
Tommy Cooper - You always need a guest in a hat.
Random beard wearer - To stroke.

8. Who was your favourite Dr Who?
Aaargh, Sci-Fi, noooooooooo! Maybe I'd get into it though if Stephen Fry took up the post, but it must be stipulated that he has to be as 'camp as tits' in the role.

9. What are your all time favourite TV shows and why?
I remember having a fondness for Russ Abbott's House Party, though I probably shouldn't have mentioned that. Ah sod it, The Kenny Everett Show as well. Well I recall they both made me wee myself when I was about seven.

10. What's the most stupid heckle you've had and how did you respond?
Only heckle:
"I'm not ginger, I'm strawberry blonde"
"You're ginger, shut the fuck up!"

11. What do you wear in bed?
Nothing. I sleepwalk. I live in a house share. I live on the edge.

12. When you were a child what did you want to be?
Your average dictator.

13. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
Too frequent to pinpoint. Needless lies are fantastic.

14. If you knew the world would end in 10 minutes what would you do?

15. If you could travel in time for only one day, when and where would you go?
Erm... to the fictitious event of Back to the Future II.

16. What do you have for breakfast?
Coffee and fag.

17. What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Ask David Icke. It's something to do with turqouise shell suits.

18. What's the best sweet ever invented?
Giant 'filling removing' Drumsticks.

19. Who would you ban from being seen or heard by anyone else again ever?
Cyclists in reflective clothing, that'll fuck 'em over!

20. Astonish us with a fact.
Jimmy Saville IS a pervert.