Chris Eubank Drenched in Ostrich Smegma!!

You lot were a bit boring on Tuesday weren't you! I reckon you all need to start drinkin' more. Next week, let's all get there at 12pm and start drinkin' straight whiskey with a lager chaser!

On with business...

First up was Graham Hind, whose grandad died of "Wankinson's" disease but fortunately the family "pulled" together to get through it! Graham, who I thought looked like Ben Elton, had some good material but lacked a little in confidence so didn't really get the crowd warmed up sufficiently. A few more gigs and I'm sure he'll be a winner. But Graham, drop the Osama "Bean" Laden line!! Groan!

Along with the tradition of the last few weeks, Toby puts on a bit of eye candy for us blokes. And this week it was the stunning Brockley Spears. And what a beauty! Natural golden locks, pert titties and long hairy legs. Lovely.

I thought Brockley had some good material but again lacking a little in confidence/delivery. Also, the accent made Keanu Reeve's English accent look convincing! But that's what the open spots are about. Giving a new act a chance or an established act the opportunity to try out some new material. So nice one Miss Spears.

And talking of established acts, the fantastic Lavinia Murray was on next. Particular liked her take on the magic bullet theory from the JFK assassination. Cubist firearms, which means JFK was "murdered by perspective"! Nice one.

I thought Lavinia did a great set and suffered from a slightly subdued audience so I'd love to see her back at the club on a rowdier night.

Malarkey's veteran Susan Vale was the next act to take the stage. Susan's dad caught her taking acid when she was 14 and to punish her he made her sit in her room and take 20 more! Explains a few things...

Susan had a fair bit of new material for the XS crowd and my fave was the anecdote about being in the cemetery on Good Friday and she saw loads of people going in with spades and mistletoe! Sick, but f*ckin' funny! Susan again suffered from a slightly subdued crowd but I still enjoyed the set.

Next came the rock 'n' roll poet that is Paul B. Edwards, who reckons he looks like Baldrick with a quiff! And I can see where you are coming from there Paul.

Paul's set was a mixture of comedy tunes and stand up chat. Song topics ranged from a reworking of the Gary Glitter classic "Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on an eight year old's hand!", to a tribute to Dolly Parton's tits (very catchy, humming it all the way home).

I found Paul's set to be the perfect antidote to an other wise quiet evening. A good bit of rock 'n' roll and guitar tomfoolery that was piss funny! My favourite act of the evening. More than made up for the disappointment of not seeing Robin Ince.

Toby (dubbed the most pedantic compere in the west - giving him bad jokes is one thing but spelling them wrong is unforgivable!) rounded off the evening with the usual joke competition.

This week saw a member of the now infamous (thanks to the mighty Smug) "Brass Section". One of the lads from Northern Ireland got up and told the joke himself. So hats off to you fella for having the balls to do that. Pity it was a joke that was as old as time itself! And Toby gave him a fiver for the privilege!!!! A fiver! I would have said a pint at best.

Anyway, enough waffling from me. Just goes to show you the nature of stand up comedy, the most important people, are the punters.

See you next week for the blinding double headliner.

Lee.