"Masturbating Over My Parentís Wedding Photographs..."

[Crikey, Lee, what next? Shitting on a glass coffee table, sprinkling Princess Diana's ashes onto your cock while your parents watch from below?! - Spider].

Lee Grounds Well the Malarkey stormed back to form last night! You lot were brilliant! Great attendance, great atmosphere.

Lee Grounds opened the night with a good set. Lee was trying out a lot of new material, some of which went down very, some not so well.

Great stage presence and delivery throughout and I loved the anecdote about being in the vet shouting out your pet's name instead of yours.

Next up, Geoff Taylor, the cheeky chipmunk. So called because he has to "suck Tobyís nuts to get a gig"! Well, after last night's performance, you wonít have to Geoff, unless you want to of course...

Cheeky chipmunk Geoff Taylor. Geoff has come on in leaps and bounds since the last time I saw him at the Malarkey about five months ago. He was so much more confident on stage and delivered quality material like a professional. And no, Iím not just saying that Ďcos weíre mates! Nice one, Geoff!

After a short break we had Malarkey regular Natalie Haynes who opened her set by telling us how nice it was to be back. Nice to see you too, Natalie.

Natalie described herself as a "gorilla on speed". Not sure about the ape reference but it certainly seemed like she was on amphetamines. I struggled to make a few notes and still keep up! Totally mesmerising style though.

Natalie Haynes Although Natalie could do with some fresher material, she had a good set that went down very well with the Malarkey punters. She must have been doing something right because she got an encore!

After I missed out on the chips completely (greedy bastards hogging the food, that was my tea!) we got to see the fantastic Stewart Francis. [Unlucky, son, we had a whole bowlful to ourselves sat on the door... - Spider].

Stewart, whose dad was constantly trying to drown him as a child, married Way Too Young (a Chinese girl) and now wants to cast Pingu for De Neroís part in Taxi Driver!

Stewart Francis What a superstar! It was like being at the end of a comedy machine gun with quality one-liners being fired at you like he was Northern Alliance troop and you were Bin Laden. There simply was nowhere to hide from the laughter. A very slick performance from a true professional. And a bargain considering heís playing the C*medy St*re on Saturday for over a tenner!!

As usual the night was finished off (in more ways than one) by the joke competition. Was it just me or did anyone else lose the will to live?! Iím sure your jokes are getting worse, people, but at least there wasnít the almost obligatory Barrymore throws his fags in the pool joke. We must be thankful for these small mercies! [And stop handing in that fucking limerick Toby does his theatrical stance. about finding bits of her tits in Brazil, it's as old as the fucking hills, and then some! - Spider].

Toby, when he wasnít whoring himself to Belinda from the M.E.N. website, was on top form and really seemed to be enjoying himself, despite having to dredge through masses of poor jokes. (I wish you people would stop spelling them wrong though, he does get upset you know.)

I really enjoyed last night and I havenít laughed that much since the Chris Lynam incident.

See you all next week.