"Anyone wanna go halves on a bastard?"

We’re getting good at this now aren’t we? Top crowd last night and the atmosphere was brilliant. We had a few people moaning at the door about the non-members price Mark Smart (tight-arse bastards) so I thought they might cause a bit of grief. Lo and behold, they were laughing more than anyone! I reckon you more than got your four quid’s worth!

First up was the inimitable Mark Smart (AKA Jason 'Entertainment' Cooke). Mark’s got an interesting take on life and some interesting theories regarding the superstar DJs of yesteryear. To sum it up, they’ll all paedophiles!

Mark did a great version of ABBA’s Money, Money, Money, retitled Cunny, Cunny, Cunny, with more top lines than I could do justice here!

Mark’s multimedia extravaganza (that’s posh for playing guitar, records and doing stand up) was let down a little by the lack of technical polish. Like not having the records Mark Smart cued up and the ABBA number could have really been something special if he’d remembered the backing tape! I know it seems like niggling but it would have flowed so much the better.

Overall Mark was delightfully crude, had a home made t-shirt monikered I Love KY, did a Geri Halliwell remake in his undercronks, and was an animated start to the night. "Stick with me, I’m fucking brilliant!" We certainly will Mark. Nice one.

Andy Hulcoop Another excellent act followed Mark, Andy Hulcoop from Bristol. Andy reckons we’re all lucky doctors and aeroplane pilots don’t have the same "you’re gonna die anyway" attitude that smokers have. And hopefully the curse of the Kennedys will extend to Nigel! Class!

Andy delivered a confident performance with some quality material and rounded off a great first half.

The breaks were filled in by Mark Smart's unique brand of DJ-ing. Yo DJ, pump that party! Ahem...

The first part of the second half opened with Ira Rainey who was earning some of his money back from the scrounging students. Too right, fella. And he’s earning more than when he was a pizza delivery boy. (But not as many gnomes.)

Ira Rainey Ira, I know from experience that you're right about there being no such thing as a civil engineer. They’re all a bunch of foul mouthed, arse-wanking, shit-for-brained, toss-bollocking fuckwits who wouldn’t know polite conversation if it bit them on the ballbag. Fanny. Cunt. Thatcher. [Lee works in engineering by the way - Spider].

Ira was a dominating presence on the Malarkey stage with sharp suits, keen wits and a big gut! And I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

The headline act was the one and only Roger Monkhouse. And no, he's no relation (if I had a pound...) Roger, the six foot skinhead, went to great lengths to convince tribe Malarkey that he is "down with the kids" with cool phrases like "cowabunga" and "slap your ho's, wicked!" Eh, I'm not arguing.

Roger Monkhouse Roger is a bit disappointed with the war effort, and he reckons it's nowhere near as exciting as the Gulf. He does like the title "The War Against Terrorism" or TWAT! And so do I. Kind of sums up the people involved in it.

Roger was an extremely impressive headliner with quality material and a mesmerising delivery. The perfect finale to an evening of quality acts and material from start to finish.

Toby was clearly enjoying himself and we nearly preempted the Tyson vs. Lewis fight with Toby vs. The Dreadlocked Twat from the back of the off-license. Toby was well up for it, especially with the bloodthirsty Malarkey tribe behind. Unfortunately, we were as disappointed as my girlfriend is after a roll in the sack with me, when the heckler limped off. Chicken.

Roll on next week! Ta ta.