The Name's Hadoke, Toby Hadoke.
Bit of a mad one or what?! Can't get over Ian Cognito, what a superstar. Anyway, more of that later.
Toby kicked off the 11th at the Malarkey by giving the press a well-deserved drubbing. The C*medy St*re arse lickers like The Guardian should come down to the club and see for themselves how good it is. Then maybe we might some more representational journalism.
After giving the press a slagging Toby moved onto a Victoria Beckham poll which was only gonna go one-way really!! She's about as popular as Jonathan King.
There was plenty of new material from your compere on Tuesday, including a moan about his slow recovery from going paintballing on the weekend. Poor old boy, his legs aren't what they were...
The first slot was filled (ahem) by the Geordie Neil Magee. Neil reckons the bus you get home on after a piss up is akin to Scotland on wheels and I reckon he's got a point. As Neil pointed out though, the Scots need to drink heavily to forget that they are Scottish.
When a member of the crowd put up his drinks order Neil observed "Fucking hell! They're polite in here, they even put their hand up to heckle"!
My favourite line of Neil's set was from when he was talking about the family Christmas. "In my day, all we got for Christmas was an apple and an orange." "WOW! A computer AND a mobile phone!" Quality.
Neil provided a decent start to the evening. He had good material and was a competent comic. Nothing groundbreaking, but good. I'd be quite happy to see him again.
On the way to the gig on Tuesday, Toby was accosted by a scally at a bus stop that insisted he did a spot at the club that night, so he did.
The fella told the Malarkey crowd that he is not scared of coppers as he comes under the mental health act. This means he gets free money and free drugs. Some sedatives hopefully!
The Geordie Howke Charvas played the scally role convincingly. A little too convincingly at times. In fact Rob (AKA Roy E) actually thought he was a scally off the street! Roll over Kenneth Brannagh!
Howke had some good material in places but not really enough to keep the momentum going. Great character, just not funny enough.
After the break, wig of the month award winner Bobby Dresser took to the Malarkey stage.
Bobby's set was mainly based around popular songs in a comedy fashion with a bit of commentary thrown in for good measure. He also took the opportunity to try and score by serenading some of the ladies in the crowd. It's never worked for me Bobby so what makes you think it will work for you? Especially in that suit with a rat on your head!
Bobby was a big hit with tribe Malarkey and did a confident and quality set even with the audio problems we were having. Perhaps a little too "working man's club" in places for everyone, but on the whole, a big hit. Nice one!
After the chips and cocktail sausages we were returned into the capable hands of Toby, who asked Andy if his girlfriend had really died, and Andy replied that she had! Oh shit! The headliner gets to follow a discussion about the tragic death of someone's girlfriend!
Thanks to the fact that Andy was being a good sport and Toby's expertise as a compere, all was not lost. Toby prepped the crowd for the headline act. Not that anything as ever gonna prepare us for the onslaught that was to follow in the form of Ian Cognito!
The last time Mr Cognito played at the Malarkey, Toby's missus gave birth to little Louis. Ian claims he was also at the conception playing a starring role. Best have a word about that one Toby!
Ian Cognito puts the Man in Manchester, the Poo in Liverpool and then there's Scunthorpe. I'll leave that one to you.
He hates his kids and he has some interesting tips on disciplining the little buggers. One was to bruise 'em up good and proper in the morning so that if they start playing up in Tescos you can give 'em a little prod and hurt like hell. Soon shut 'em up and no one will know the real reason.
Ian was the first comic we've had that was heckled by laughter.
Mr Cognito's set was chock a block with quality material. I never thought anyone could offend the Malarkey crowd but Ian came close. He managed to ride the line between offensive and clever with expertise. Although his material was as far from politically correct as you could get it was well reasoned and above all, downright funny. He read the audience brilliantly and aimed his humour accordingly. Whether you were blind, Muslim, Jewish, catholic or looked like David Beckham, there was a reference in there just for you.
"I have pulled muscles in my stomach from laughing so hard last night. It still hurts. Ian Cognito is the finest comedian I have ever seen. He makes me remember why I want to do comedy and then reminds me how much there is to learn. A genius." - Geoff Taylor
"[That was my] first trip to the Malarkey and Ian Cognito was just utterly superb. The footballer's rant, Paranoids Anonymous, female Muslim suicide bombers. I was crying with laughter - lashings of bile with a side order of vitriol." - Mike Landers
Speaks volumes I reckon. Ian did a very long set full of quality material and went down an absolute storm with the Malarkey crowd, finished up with a song and then his closing comment.
"If I've offended anyone, GROW UP!"
One of the best we've had! The night finished off with its usual low on the joke competition. Absolutely fuckin' awful. You see, you lot are like Christian Dunn, you don't learn from your mistakes!
The charity night next week looks like its gonna be a blinder so get down early for that one.
See you next week.