Martin shows his arse...

Another great night on Tuesday, with four quality comics - no Christian Dunns here, oh no. And a surprisingly full crowd considering United v Liverpool was on the telly. And Liverpool won 1-0. That's the double over United, I believe...

Mike Landers Anyway, first up on stage was local lad and guestbook regular Mike Landers. Mike admitted to being a bit nervous before going on but once he was up there it was no problem - he delivered a top-notch gig with good, confident delivery and was one of the best open spots I think I've seen at XS Malarkey so far.

Mike's routine is full of observations and practical advice such as a suggestion for the Marc Bolan fan club on what sign they should put up at the tree where he crashed to remember him - a brake pedal.

Mike takes us from Jonathan King to Wankers Anonymous, the war on terrorism, including the Northern Alliance (building society) and banking with the Taleban who turn out to all be students!

Mike's debut was a good one, with confident, up-to-date material - and having a pop at Celine Dion and Mariah Carey is a sure-fire gurarantee to get a good review! Nice one, Mike.

Dave Griffiths Next on was the fabulous Dave Griffiths, producer of some rather natty t-shirts which take the piss of FCUK - check out Dave's home page at

Dave (or should that be Goran?) had hate figures that are always going to be popular - horse-faced bitch Camilla Parker Bowles and bicycle-with-lipstick Victoria Beckham. Bouncers were also taken the piss of - they do a special type of martial art called Cunt Fu.

Dave gave a confident performance on stage, with some good quality material and observations, not to mention some witty punchlines.

So, a good Malarkey debut from Dave - I've a feeling Toby will bring him back soon.

Dave Ward Another Londoner and another Dave on next - Dave Ward, who has been told he looks like Joey out of Friends (if he let himself go). Personally I thought there was a bit of Dom Joly in there.

Dave had some sharp material and good delivery, including living alone and actually asking burglars to stay and keep him company! Sadly for him, despite his endless attempts to pull a member of the audience, he failed miserably - but managed to laugh about it.

Dave had some good observations, such as the the Big Issue competition where you can win a four bedroomed house - but not open to employees!

The two Daves travelled all the way from London but both seemed to have a great time in front of a great crowd, so hopefully they'll be back again before long.

Martin Bigpig And onto the headliner, none other than the insane, terrifying, but utterly pant-wettingly hilarious Martin Bigpig.

Where do I start with this one? I reckon about 90% of Martin's act was banter with the crowd, made up on the spot. One thing's for sure, if you stand out from the crowd, make sure you stand near the back! In fact, if you don't want to be 'collared' by Martin you'd better not stand in the building! Actually, thinking about his act, he showed his arse to people outside so best not to stand in Fallowfield!

Funny, funny man. Imagine Billy Conolly on speed. And PCP. Quite literally anything can happen during Martin's gig, and usually involves going through women's handbags for amusing items and singling someone out for serious comedy grief, in this case the almost legendary Virgin Boy.

Martin's 'rubber sword'. Martin has some good stage props from his travels around the world, including a huge dildo which he gets a member of the audience to hold while he spins a ball on the end of it! The only problem he has is trying to get them through customs with a credible explanation...

As you can see from this photo, this is not your average comedian. Anyone who can turn a 'jaunty little cap' into a 'rapist mask' is anything but average!

He also has The Encyclopaedia of Unusual Sex Practices which he takes great pleasure in reading extracts from - did you know that autopederasty is the act of shoving your own nob up your arse? Every day's a school day.

Martin's 'rubber sword'.

Martin prepares to stage dive... At the end of the show he even got the crowd to catch him as he stage dived off a table! And that was just a spur of the moment idea! As I said before, much of the gig seems to be made up there and then, which makes it all the funnier, because if you've seen him before then most of it won't be the same stuff.

If you get the chance to see him (he doesn't play UK gigs too often) do so, but just don't sit within twenty feet...