"So I shat in the sink and fucked off..."

A pretty decent night on Tuesday, especially considering we got a last minute headliner as Tony Hendricks had to pull out through illness. Kicking off the night was a comic reasonably new to the scene, Paul Hand.

Paul had played XS once before and to be honest, it was a bit surreal and rambling, but this time is was much better presented, together with stuff on the guitar. He started off with his Bee Gees in a working men's club routine which went down well with the crowd, together with passable impressions of Mick Jagger and Cliff Richard. Compared with last time there was a definite increase in the Gags Per Minute ratio. Some were groaners but the rest got laughs. So a better set from Paul, it'll be interesting to see how much he's improved in another six months.

Next on, doing my first paid gig at Malarkey's, was me - Neil Smith. Can't really review myself so I'll let Ros Bell of standuplive.co.uk do it instead:

"The first thing you notice about Spider, even at this early point in his career, is his ease in front of an audience. No immoral, debauched stone is left unturned during his set, but you wouldn’t think of it to look at him. This performance saw Spider (aka Neil Smith) use his cunning turn of phrase to great effect, for example, "There's nothing worse than dislodging a precariously-balanced bum cigar." What a pleasant young man. God knows how he gets away with it, but the important thing is, he does. Once he’s got that cheeky grin on his face, you can’t help but laugh. His material ranges from his 'recent' trip to Amsterdam, crazy anal antics of his 'friends', and his job with submarines, and throughout the audience found his laddish charm and easy going on stage banter to be watchable and amusing. Definitely not one for the weak of stomach or the high of moral, but hilarious all the same. And let’s face it,how funny are weak-stomached, high-moralled people anyway?"

Next on after the break was quite possibly the tallest comic in the business, Richard Ousey.

Richard started his set with a few gags about how people patronise him for being tall (especially old women) and then went into some newer material about the trials of having a big cock, including how to hide embarrassing erections. Okay, there was one wank gag, but it was quite a good one. Other material included the clichés people spout when they have a baby, and some tried and tested stuff about how wanky and pretentious Chorlton is. All in all a good set from Richard. A couple of gags which earned groans but everything else won the crowd over.

Main support of the night was a stalwart of Malarkey's - Susan Vale.

Susan did pretty much the same set she did last time - no bad thing as there's some great material in there, which some splendidly sick gags - but there was one new gag in particular which got a great laugh about her getting a new vibrator for Christmas (the Braun Multi-Rapist). The 'having your cake and eating it' gag was an absolute belter (but then, I'm sick like that). The only thing wrong with the performance was a lack of energy. Susan doesn't exactly bound about on stage but it seemed even more subdued than usual. That said, the laughs still came at a rapid rate. She ended the set by whipping off her clothes to reveal a sequinned dress underneath, and performed a tapdance routine which the crowd loved.

Headliner of the night - stepping in at the last minute - was Canadian comic Steve Patterson.

Steve did what several Canadian comics have done and came out with material on how good the Brits are at drinking, and how Canadians hate Americans. However, it was funny, and that's the important thing. He had bags of more original material and some razor sharp gags, with a few adlibs thrown in for good measure. In fact, he was on stage for an hour, including encore - value for money! For the most part it was a very enjoyable and funny set from a great comic.

Spider.