"You're looking at me as if I've just nobbed a puppy until its stomach's burst."

Jason Cooke One of the best nights of comedy this week at XS Malarkey, and opening up the show was stand-in compere (for the first part of the show) was Jason Cooke, as Toby was busy moving house.

Jason got the show warmed up nicely with some no-nonsense compering, comprising of tried and tested material, comedy tunes and audience banter. One of the highlights for me was the long-running You Looking For Trouble gag which in this case was, "You looking for trouble? Try cockle-picking at night..." Got the show off to a good start despite being a little bit rusty from a few months absence from the stand-up circuit.

James Davies First act 'proper' of the night was James Davies (amusingly introduced by Jason as Julian Davies...)

James had some cracking material, slightly surreal in places, with a fair old number of gags. There was one deliberately naff gag about Saddam Hussein's secretary (earning the loudest groan I've ever heard from an audience) but there was a good comeback from it. A slick, confident display of comedy from James who'll be back again before long, I'm sure.

Simon Carter Second onto the stage was Toby's mate and Jools Holland sound-a-like Simon Carter.

Simon introduced himself as a "southern twat" and immediantely spotted a lad in a vest in the audience. "Where's George Michael, Andrew?" Class. His observational material ranged from smoking, signs on buses (Thank You For Not Buggering the Driver) and the 'special' employee in Burger King, delivered in a fairly laidback style. He's only recently got back into comedy and seems to be improving every time I see him.

Peter von Natzmer Last act of the first half was an XS Malarkey regular who, a couple of months ago, decided to have a go at stand-up comedy; Peter von Natzmer.

Peter has been a bit of a revelation on the Manchester comedy circuit, having won Beat The Frog at the Frog & Bucket after only a few gigs. His material ranges from being German and therefore being confused by certain English phrases, to scallies and how to deal with them. The set started off quiet-ish, then moved up a gear or two halfway, with some good laughs, in particular at the line about 'Alpha scallies'. His timing is excellent on-stage and his laid-back delivery really suits him. The only real criticism is that he should project his voice just a touch more to really grab the audience's attention.

Jonathan Paylor Main support, filling in at the last minute (due to Roland Gent's illness) was Jonathan Paylor.

Jonathan is no stranger to Malarkey's and always does well but this time he was on fire, with a combination of material new and old and some excellent audience banter at the start. He started out by asking the audience which feature of him they hated most; "I'm from Yorkshire. I'm an Arsenal fan. And I'm a poof." Arsenal got the biggest jeer, by the way. The new material really worked well - about time the lazy git got off his arse and wrote new stuff! Good set all round.

Alistair Barrie Headliner of the night was a comedian who'd never played at Malarkey's before, Alistair Barrie.

Fuck me sideways, he was awesome. His material was chock full of punchlines (a very impressive Gags Per Minute ratio here), with plenty of political satire thrown in. The important thing about the political stuff was that, apart from raising valid points, was actually superbly funny. He went off, then came back on for a thoroughly deserved encore in which satire went out of the window and the nob gags came out. They were funny as well. I reckon he's definitely one of the best three headliners ever to have played Malarkey's, if not the best. Can't wait for him to make his return visit.

Spider.