"I'm coming to get you, hairy..."

Des Sharples First up in tonight's cacophony of comedy was an old hand at XS Malarkey, Des Sharples.

Des was trying out some new material tonight, mixed in with highlights from his existing set. It got off to a slightly strange start with some improved stuff about two comedy clubs mating to produce a kennel (!) but followed it up with some good new material about buying drills in pubs and a great gag about Russians people-smuggling. He finished with some familiar material about Yardies cornering the cheese and wine market in Didsbury. A short but sweet set from Des.

David Blair Next on, making his debut at XS Malarkey, was Scottish comic David Blair.

Dave starting out by telling the crowd about his amusing and original nickname he picked up at university - Scottish Dave - before doing some material about the new Star Wars Trilogy on DVD that didn't really have a punchline (by his own admission). He made up for it by doing some decent material about being a Scotland fan when Euro 2004 was on. There was a bit of weaker material about Warrington to finish with, but all in all it was okay and the crowd paid attention. I think it may have been obvious that Dave was slightly nervous though.

Dave Ingram Next up, trying out some new material as part of his show Daddy Cool was Bolton's very own tiny-handed mirth maker, Dave Ingram.

Dave's ace. He could probably read from the telephone directory and it would be funny. The main gist of the material was a story about Dave and his girlfriend having an argument about his immature behaviour in a supermarket and a scally couple proposing to each other at the cheese counter. The story was, in true Ingram syle, peppered with brilliant moments of sick humour (Ian Huntley lookalikes, etc.) He warmed the crowd up nicely for the rest of the night.

Rob Riley After the break came one of this year's finalists at the City Life Comedian of the Year, Oldham comic Rob Riley.

Rob opened up with material about his home town of Oldham, including stuff about the race riots, and followed it up with stuff about being a vegetarian including one of the best lines of the night: "You lot see a prawn cocktail, I see a mayonnaise holocaust." He finished with some good new material about fox hunting, featuring the satisfying image of police battering toffs, his tried and tested Steven Hawking gag, and Vinny Jones' air rage. ALl told, a solid and amusing set but I do wish he'd stop laughing to himself on stage; too many times and it loses its meaning.

Die Clatterschenkenfietermaus Main support of the night was my favourite act by far this year, dubbed as the worst techno band in the world, Die Clatterschenkenfietermaus.

They are quite simply brilliant and have to be seen to be believed. With all due respect to the other acts on they were the act of the night by some distance. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately as they dealt with it brilliantly) the CD player wasn't reading their music CD so they had to improvise while Lee tried to get it working. In the end we called a quick break to plug in the player they brought with them...

Die Clatterschenkenfietermaus Take 2. The Clatters started off with the relaxation song, Panic Attack!, and told the audience of their art career, including their EuroDisney mishaps and their war on people called Dave: "Do we have anyone in called Dave? Put your hand down, Dave, you sicken the living shit out of me!" Next came the song Karl Gunter as Space Ape Dead Clown, featuring yet more superb lines: "A knock upon the door; Ah! Here comes the clown; But he smells of poppers; I now suspect the clown."

Following on from that was the audience participation part of the show, in which a couple of members of the audience (and Toby) got up on stage with Karl Karl and Karl Gunter to perform a play which Karl Karl wrote when he was seven, The Chronicles of Space Ape. Even the audience joined in with the sound effects (with hilarious consequences). After the sketch they ended their set with a routine about the time they hung around a bus stop pretending to be schoolgirls. Sounds odd but it was funny. As you'd expect from Die Clatterschenkenfietermaus. All told it was half an hour of absolute comedy gold. Highly recommended.

Toby Hadoke and Space Ape

Smug Roberts Headliner of the night, and celebrating his tenth year in stand-up comedy, was Smug Roberts.

While I think it's fair to say Smug isn't my favourite comic of all time he certainly knows how to work a crowd and did that brilliantly tonight. He started out with some Asda material while setting up a trestle table full of goodies from Asda and got the crowd involved in making a buffet to celebrate XS Malarkey's 7th birthday! He did about 40 minutes in total, consisting of audience interaction and great, solid material. Suffice to say he went down rather well with the crowd - good work, Smug. Probably his best gig at Malarkey's yet. After Smug, John Locke from the Comedy Store came up on to the stage to finally present Toby with his Les Dawson Award For Services To Comedy - about time!

Toby struggles under the weight of his Les Dawson award...
Toby struggles under the weight of his Les Dawson award...

The birthday cake.
The birthday cake.

Toby with his award.
Toby with his award.

Spider.