"Hard anal fucking - unprotected, and good and shitty."

Tonight, Toby and Lee weren't here for various reasons so I had to stage manage for the first time - and fuck me, it can be stressful (especially when acts turn up late...) This involved making sure the show started on time, didn't run over time and all the acts got paid.

Guest compere tonight was the wonderfully Northern Mike Wilkinson. He started with some typically able audience banter to get things warmed up before welcoming on stage the first of tonight's acts.

First up was Bolton comic Andy Smith.

Andy opened up with an impressive array of gags which got varying reactions from the audience - some decent laughs, some a bit more subdued, some groans. Later on into his set he moved onto the subject of scallies and did a 'presentation' involving getting two of his scally mates (complete with shellsuits and baseball caps) onto the stage. Although Andy's take on scallies is well done, nearly every comic mentions scallies at some point and it's become a hack subject. It's pretty much reliant of a Pavlovian response by the audience (which it usually gets). Comedy purism aside, it was a fairly decent start to the show.

Next act of the night was a Mike Fabbri, a London act who had literally walked into XS a few minutes before after getting lost on the way (which didn't do anything for my stress levels as stage manager).

Mike had some great material about fox hunting to begin with which earned him an appreciative round of applause from the audience. The Big Brother material was quite good, even though I'm not a fan of BB jokes, but he used it as a nice link into another bit of material about mentally ill people. Speaking of which, there was some George Bush material and other bits and bobs. It was a good set, only slightly marred by a bit of a haphazard delivery (due to turning up at the last minute I suppose).

Next on was a comic who'd played XS once before under the character name of James D'Chapeau, Jim Woroniecki.

Jim's humour was well delivered, with a certain dark, twisted element, which I personally found to be very funny. He even prepared a prerecorded laugh on a dictaphone which he played back into the microphone - then recorded the audience laughing and played that back! A nice performance from a good comic with a unique delivery.

By now it was after the break and I was wondering where the hell Hovis Presley was. He was doing a gig in Bolton and should have been here by 10pm to do a five minute set for his mate's birthday. I'd already made the break longer and time was marching on... So we got the show started and next on was Steve Shanyaski.

Steve should have been on after Hovis so I just hoped by the time he'd finished his set Hovis would have shown up. His mate was really apologetic that he'd not arrived yet, but I just had to hope for the best. Steve did his set to a good reponse from the audience. No surprises from Steve this time, just a solid twenty minute set ending his his song, Sort Yer 'Ead Out.

Another break came and went - still no Hovis. I had to say to his mate that it was time to get the headliner on. We'd already left it late and the night was already going to overrun. So the show starts, Mike is just about to announce the headliner when there's a kerfuffle at the door and in blunders Hovis Presley, apparently spilling someone's drink.

I explain to him that the headliner is ready to go on (and he's expecting to do twenty to twenty-five minutes, which will take us to about 11:10pm), when Hovis goes all prima donna and demands that he goes on there and then. Since I didn't want to talk to the man any longer than necesary I agreed, which meant that I had to look like a cunt as I shouted to Mike that the headliner was going on after Presley, and that he was doing a maximum five minute set. He needn't have bothered. Four minutes of poetry and some of our favourite jokes. If it wasn't for his mate whose birthday it was (who was a nice guy) then he wouldn't have gone on.

Never mind. The headliner tonight was The Amazing Mr Smith.

I've seen Smithy loads of times and so pretty much know what to expect, but it's nice to see that every time there seems to be something new he's not done before (or hasn't done for so long I'd forgotten all about it). I tend to watch the crowd's reaction - suffice to say it was good. In fact, he got the first encore he's had at Malarkey's. Well deserved and a decent end to a rather stressful night.

Spider.